Put your own oxygen mask on first
- a philosophy of parent support by Wende Jowsey
There’s a lot of advice about raising adolescents out there. Perhaps as parents we’ve heard enough about what we “should be teaching our child” or about the endless list of risk factors necessitating constant vigilance in light of all there is to watch out for.
We yearn to maintain connection and closeness- while the natural process of individuation in preparation for adulthood pulls our young person closer to peers, external influences and sometimes towards a journey into the shadow lands.
The child they have been must somehow give birth to the adult they will be. Lacking a formalised time-honoured rite of passage, teens may devise their own initiations into the world of grown-up freedoms. We know they haven’t yet developed the requisite wisdom while their brains and minds are still forming. We can’t walk the path they walk towards an exciting, unknowable destiny and yet our discernment, presence and love are things they absolutely need to anchor their journey.
If our young person is individuating- then so are we. Adolescence can mark the slow beginning of the end of our role as the matrix around which our child’s world once revolved. Our journey as a human being who is also a parent involves stages of change, celebration, distancing, heart-break, letting go, acceptance and hopefully reuniting over and over.
When a teenager is truly struggling, we may not stop to consider how vital it is that we learn to recognise and manage our own stress as parents. If we’ve been used to running ourselves ragged “sacrificing for our kids” it may seem of little importance to make sure we aren’t under resourced or running on empty before we strap on boots and prepare to go the distance with our teen.
We see our child engaging in risk-taking behaviours, perhaps in trouble at school, with substance abuse or with the law- and all we understandably want is an immediate solution. Yet while you wouldn’t set out to climb Everest without a map, supplies, and a guide- as anxious, overworked, or traumatised parents, we become like the well-meaning person who jumps into a raging river with someone who’s drowning. It can result in both parties floundering in deep water.
The good news is that even when we get to a place where self-care and love for ourselves gets lost, we can find it again. Parents who adopt mindful self-care as a means of grounding themselves can then become a genuine lighthouse for their teen to steer by. We can find a new motivation based on modelling how to live without expecting that our teen must emulate who we are if they truly love us.
My work as an educator supporting initially teens and now parents, has shown me that families function as a whole systems. When a parent or carer as one part of that system decides to “be the change” and gets support for their own growth process, the result seems to be that the whole family grows and benefits. Learning to self-regulate, communicate clearly and to be present with their own emotions helps parents to be present for the feelings of their children.
Parent support is not about learning how to fix our kid. During their adolescence it’s about being that person firmly anchored on the river bank- ready and able to demonstrate self-love and respect, to have healthy boundaries, and to offer support with compassion. They’ll reach out when they’re ready. As a parent your job is not to jump in the river or put your life on hold- it’s about figuring out what helps you thrive- so that you can be there, intact and whole when you’re needed.
